Death of the Courted Woman

Welcome to a new Era! Where men are no longer head of households.  Where women now play the role of wife and bread winner.  What happened to the days when men would say, Don’t worry Hun, I got this?  The days where your door was opened, your chair was pulled back, coat gently placed on you.

Nowadays, men are just plain comfortable with the new generation of women that have evolved.  The generation that is independent, self-reliant, strong, and able to run and pay for the household while holding full time jobs and being full time mommies.   The same men that, we women, are choosing to marry. 

Could we all have lived during the times when a woman’s voice was non-existent, where we did not matter, was unable to vote, were not a factor in anything?  I know I couldn’t live like that.  I would be one of those brave women who rocked the world with their revolutionary ways.  Like Harriet Tubman, setting myself free from slavery and helping other women in the process, or Elizabeth Stanton, who organized the Seneca Falls convention which led to women’s right to vote. 

So as a result of years of oppression, we women, over the years have been forced to prove ourselves to the male society in order to have a voice and show the world how strong we can be.  However, by doing so, we are paying a different price.  The death of courting.  The death of the days when a man really wanted to take care of his wife.  The death of the times when men had some sort of respect for women.  The inability for men to truly emotionally protect their wives.  

So as an independent wife to be, I am now forced to think about the possibility of no longer having the option of being courted.  Because while I have reserved the right to have a voice and be that independent, strong woman I want to be, I have now lost the right to be treated as an emotionally needy woman.  So RIP to courting and emotional protection.. May you rest in peace.

Until next time….Happy Blogging.

To Kneel or not to Kneel

So my hubby to be is Nigerian and I’m Puerto Rican.  Unique little combo there, right?  Well, if you know hubby to be, he’s totally not your traditional Nigerian.  In fact, if you saw him in the street or hung out with him, he appears to be totally americanized.  Well, let me tell you.  All that Americanized mentality goes out the door when you start talking marriage. 

Now, all of a sudden, tradition is important.  Let’s incorporate this.. We MUST do this.. You, meaning me, HAVE to do this.  I am now slowly getting a crash course in Nigerian tradition - 6 months before the wedding. 

I have recently been informed by my husband to be that I have to do something to the effect of me bending or kneeling in front of him to show that I am embracing him as a husband or something to that effect.  Honestly, the moment I heard bending down, I totally tuned the whole thing off and don’t want to hear the reasons behind it.  Why? It’s not meant to be disrespectful to him, his family, or his culture, but honestly, I find it truly offensive and oppressive for me to have to do that. 

I have worked very hard to build myself as a strong, independent woman.  But now, it appears to me that marrying him, means I have to suddenly embrace part of the culture that I just truly can’t wrap my head around all because it’s what HAS to be done.   A culture, BTW, that he has never really bothered to introduce me to.  A culture, which, only is a factor, when it benefits HIM.  Sure, those are customs that has to be done – In Nigeria.  But we are in the United States, and I am Puerto Rican, and honestly, if he himself doesn’t practice anything, why should I?   Let me give you one example:

Introduction Process:

As I understand, Nigerian tradition breaks down the wedding process with: Introduction, Engagement, Ceremony and something called a “white” wedding, which is what they consider the ‘Western-influenced” wedding.

Here is where I find the contradiction.  During the introduction process, both families wear traditional Nigerian clothes.  The groom’s family (Oba) visits the bride’s family (Moi) and asks for my hand in marriage and bring dowry which is money or whatever to prove that He (Oba) can provide for his family.

Well…..Me or my family have YET to receive our dowry.   So while I have been told that I must kneel down.  Where is my dowry?   Why is it that suddenly, the rule does not apply to him?

I suppose, what’s good for the goose, isn’t always good for the gander.

In the meantime, I will continue researching on google Nigerian culture, in preparation of what will await me and hope that my dowry will soon follow.

Till next time – Happy blogging.

Wedding Dress Woes

6 Months before the wedding.. Still no dress.  I know.. I know.. Timeline says I'm late or approaching that late mark.  I have tried on, No lie - 25+ dresses...Yes.. 25+.  I must have driven some of the ladies at the boutiques crazy, including a couple of my bridesmaids, who have come along for comments. 

On one of my return trips to try on the dress I thought I wanted, I spotted another one that really caught my eye.   Once I tried it on, I fell in love with it.  Yup.. This is the one.  Bridesmaids agreed, mom agreed.  But now I"m faced with the, I know I love this dress, but what if there is another one out that's better question. (Same theory for a man.  I know I love Oba, but what if there is someone else out there that's better.. *tee hee hee*.. Just had to throw that in there) - I'm kidding - now don't start reading into it..

The dress selections are just overwhelming.  The dresses all look fabulous in a magazine, then when you try it on, you're like, what is this?  The magazine has bamboozled me into thinking I could look good in the dress.. So I say to myself, OK, I have been going to the gym, getting in wedding dress shape.  Dropped one dress size and have one more to go.  Now if I drop the 2 dress sizes, because anyone who has been married knows.. If you want to feel like a big fatso, put on a wedding gown.  That is really a great way to feel real good about yourself *In my sarcastic tone*.   These dresses run extremely small and make you feel oh so, I need to lose weight.  Definitely not meant to be a self-confidence booster for the average woman.  

Soooo, if I drop that extra dress size.. maybe, just maybe, the dress that looks amazing in the magazine, which looked like crap on me, could look good the 2nd time around.  Or maybe, I was meant to have that dress that made my eyes glisten and put a cheesy smile on my face.  The one that looked great on me, and could possibly look even better once I do drop that additional dress size.   

The dress you pick is the one you will have to live with for the REST of your life in pictures.  Its the one that you better love and be happy with for years to come because once those pictures are taken, it will be memorialized for EVER.  It's a dress that should be true to you, look good on you, and also be that classic dress. 

For now, I have about one more month before I make my final final decision and hope I don't find yet another one I could possibly love.   In the meantime.. Happy Blogging..

To eat or not to eat - That is the wedding cake question

So I suggest to Oba the option of not having a wedding cake at the wedding, since the meal package includes an oh so yummy desert.  He gasps and says, Oh NO.. We ARE having a cake.  Not an option.  I just look at him like, really?  Why?  Who will miss it, considering that we will be stuffing our guests with food and liquor from beginning to end.   He responds with, well for pictures, Duh!  I say, OK, so why not do a beautifully displayed cupcake tower.  Ummm, negative.. Not an option.  

I realize, this is a battle I will not win, I proceed to look for wedding cake ideas.   I'm on various websites, theknot.com, googling wedding cake images, Martha Stewart, wedding.com, bride magazines, you name it, I'm on it.  Well, honestly, I'm not finding a single cake display that I'm totally loving. Not to mention, I'm not a cake lover, especially frosting, so now the question is, fondant, no fondant, butter cream, Italian butter cream, filling, no filling, cake flavor, decisions are endless. 

So as I'm searching, I start to think: Why is it that people always feel that a wedding is not complete without the wedding cake?  You have this overpriced, fattening, calorie packed beautifully displayed cake that sits on this table towards the back of the room.  Its purpose - so you have pictures you can look back at and say, oh yeah, that's where my $800+ went towards..  Really? Who will miss it?  Between the music and the drinking, I don't expect anyone to come up to me and say, Hey, I notice you DON'T have a cake, what's up with that?

The bigger the cake, the grander the reception seems.   Good thing I still have a couple of months to book a cake testing and lock in a vendor to make our cake.   This topic will definitely reappear in a few months. 

Stay tuned! 

A Father's Loss

So on Saturday, I had a conversation with a friend and wedding talks came up again.  I mentioned in this conversation that I did not.. I repeat, DID NOT, send my father a Save the Date.   She laughed because she initially thought I was joking until she realized that I wasn't, then laughed because I'm crazy..

Days later, I still find myself thinking about the reasons why I did not send him a save-the date.  Why, he was never an option to walk me down the aisle and why, if he doesn't show up to my wedding, my life will be A-OK. 

Why he is not walking me down the aisle?  Well, months ago, I did have that conversation with him.  He and his much younger than me girlfriend assumed he would be walking me down the aisle.  Ummmm, negative.  Not only are you not walking me down the aisle, but you certainly won't be wearing a gaudy white suit.  The color white is reserved only for Moi.  Walking me down the aisle is a distinct honor that is reserved for either my mother or my uncle.  The two people who have raised me and molded me into the woman I am today.  My uncle will take on that role and he rightfully deserves it.  Needless to say, I have not heard from him since this conversation took place in December.  

Why no Save the Date do you ask?  Well, inconsistency is my father's middle name.  Why should I waste a save-the-date on someone who will probably not remember the date to begin with.  I could either a) keep it as a keepsake or b) given it to someone who will put it to some use. 

Some background on my father.    He was pretty much non-existent in my life until about two years ago, which is when I found him after years of searching for him.  I thought that after finding me, he would want to really work hard at building a relationship with me and his grand-daughter.  However, two years later, I realize, you can't force someone to be in your life if they are unable or unwilling to.  The bridge was placed two years ago by me, and I have yet to see him walk a portion of the way towards the bridge.  

Will I regret my decision one day?  NO.  The day of your wedding is a day that is reserved for loved ones, friends and family who are there to rejoice in the new chapter that is about to embark in your life.  My rules for the people who are invited to our wedding is: If I have not dealt with you in a year, you are not invited to the wedding and other reasons are subject to my discretion.  

It hasn't been a year for him, but his inconsistent ways and lack of not know what has been going on in my life led me to the decision of not including him in my special day.  So with that said, my tale of the day will end with: 

"It is much easier to become a father than to be one." 
~ Kent Nerburn, Letters to My Son: Reflections on Becoming a Man, 1994