So on Saturday, I had a conversation with a friend and wedding talks came up again. I mentioned in this conversation that I did not.. I repeat, DID NOT, send my father a Save the Date. She laughed because she initially thought I was joking until she realized that I wasn't, then laughed because I'm crazy..
Days later, I still find myself thinking about the reasons why I did not send him a save-the date. Why, he was never an option to walk me down the aisle and why, if he doesn't show up to my wedding, my life will be A-OK.
Why he is not walking me down the aisle? Well, months ago, I did have that conversation with him. He and his much younger than me girlfriend assumed he would be walking me down the aisle. Ummmm, negative. Not only are you not walking me down the aisle, but you certainly won't be wearing a gaudy white suit. The color white is reserved only for Moi. Walking me down the aisle is a distinct honor that is reserved for either my mother or my uncle. The two people who have raised me and molded me into the woman I am today. My uncle will take on that role and he rightfully deserves it. Needless to say, I have not heard from him since this conversation took place in December.
Why no Save the Date do you ask? Well, inconsistency is my father's middle name. Why should I waste a save-the-date on someone who will probably not remember the date to begin with. I could either a) keep it as a keepsake or b) given it to someone who will put it to some use.
Some background on my father. He was pretty much non-existent in my life until about two years ago, which is when I found him after years of searching for him. I thought that after finding me, he would want to really work hard at building a relationship with me and his grand-daughter. However, two years later, I realize, you can't force someone to be in your life if they are unable or unwilling to. The bridge was placed two years ago by me, and I have yet to see him walk a portion of the way towards the bridge.
Will I regret my decision one day? NO. The day of your wedding is a day that is reserved for loved ones, friends and family who are there to rejoice in the new chapter that is about to embark in your life. My rules for the people who are invited to our wedding is: If I have not dealt with you in a year, you are not invited to the wedding and other reasons are subject to my discretion.
It hasn't been a year for him, but his inconsistent ways and lack of not know what has been going on in my life led me to the decision of not including him in my special day. So with that said, my tale of the day will end with:
"It is much easier to become a father than to be one."
~ Kent Nerburn, Letters to My Son: Reflections on Becoming a Man, 1994
It definitely is his loss. Hopefully, he will reflect on his actions to date and change. You can't bank on anyone changing and I know you certainly are not. With or without him, you will still be you and be happy. I pray that you are at peace with accepting the things you cannot change and moving on. I can see why your friend laughed without knowing the background information. I think I have a soft spot because I would still invite him to the wedding but would not have any expectations. On the flip side, sometimes we tell ourselves that we don't expect anything and then find ourselves in a place of disappointment. You are doing what is best for you so I commend that! I can still laugh at you saying, "Girl, he didn't even get a save the date."
ReplyDeleteYour title is so right Zu..his loss and maybe not even deserving to me called fatherr. I don't feel that you owe him anything, especially to walk you down the asile. I agree that the people who have helped you get to this awesome moment in your life should have a major part of it. As far as anything other involvement that is your call. Your quote at the end sums it up. Though you are adult, he is still the "parent" and his effort after "you" finding him should be very apparent if he wants to be a part of your life. But honey, I believe that people are seasonal in our life, some are forever and some are only for a moment to serve a particular purpose...maybe he served his season by helping to close an empty void or answer questions you had, only you can know that. I am happy and proud of you. Love you girl!
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